MyConfessions

No way in hell I’m letting it go

One more year. I need to push through. One more year and I’m off to college. All my hard work will finally pay off. I sure know this last year will go by. Junior year definitely did.

That’s the real question

We’re only thing I’m happy about, the only thing that’s going right so far.

I think I fall a little in love with people when I catch them in small moments, when they think no one’s looking at them, when they absently twirl a strand of hair between their fingers, when they lick their thumb to turn a page in a book. There’s something beautiful about a person who is lost in a thought, or adjusting their shirt, or is scratching a phantom itch on their arm, or even someone who is looking at someone else like I am looking at them.

It’s not an issue for me. Not because I think I’m hot or anything. I just accept what I have. I didn’t like how my body looked so I did something about it. I don’t sit there moaning and groaning about how I wish I was beautiful. I have too much going on in life. I know I’m beautiful on the inside. That’s all that matters to me.
While some worry about their looks and pleasing people with their appearance. People are dealing with real problems. I can’t tell you you’re beautiful. Unless you believe you are. Beauty isn’t something you feel because it’s verbally said to you. Beauty is something you’re born with.

My selfless actions and random acts of kindness’ is starting to weigh on me. Sitting here alone with no one to talk to, I feel as if..I need this win. If I don’t this cycle of not getting what I deserve will continue. I step up to the plate and take on ASB/Class Officers rolls. I do what I can because others can’t. And I’m not in class office or ASB. I take on captain like responsibilities. Because I want to help lift some weight off of the director. Doing things for him that he can’t do alone. And I’m not a captain. Treating him, worrying about him as if he was mine. Wondering if he’s gotten better. If he’s okay emotionally and physically. And I’m not his girlfriend. Filling in for his position, because he is having some issues. Getting last minute calls to go play basketball in Oregon.  And I’m not on the team.I quit, already but it was an ‘emergency’. I do so much.. I only ask for so little.. I don’t want to be a captain. I don’t want to play basketball, but I do because I can’t help but give..  It’s a terrible trait. I want someone to just hold me right now. More than anything.

Last time I waited for something..someone. I found out he only had me on hold just in case it didn’t work with the girl he was waiting for.

I left you guys. I left you because I was tired of cleaning up after your mess. Nope, not your dishes or laundry. I’ll be fine if it was just that. No. I was tired of holding up this family. That pathetic man you call your husband complains about supporting this family. How dare you make me call him father. My father figures are out of reach. That’s fine, because I learned what I had to from them. I was never too young or too dumb to realize the selfish decisions both you and him made. Choosing to stay with an abusive man risking your children’s lives. Always telling me all you wanted to do was let us grow up with a complete family. You’ll get the complete family you always wanted but not in the condition you wanted it in. I ran away, but I came back for my brothers. Don’t change that. I owe you nothing, my grandparents the ones who truly raised me I owe them my life. But you two? .. You’ll get what’s coming to you. I don’t even need to do anything to see the loneliness in your future. And no thanks to you both, in my future too.

There are different types of people in this world. You have those who love unconditionally. Those people who will listen to you and be there whenever you need them. They are the most amazing people you could ever meet. Then you have those who break others. Most of the time they end up being the person you used to call your significant other. Things didn’t go the way they wanted. And they tear you down from the inside out. Making sure that if they can’t have you no one else will. But..What happens when two broken people who give others unconditional love meet? I have yet to find the answer to that question.

I just want this to work more than anything right now.. I just have this strong..strong.. feeling if given the chance. That it could be something really beautiful.. “Distance can work, long distance can’t”.. Others would probably and should probably give up after hearing that. I just can’t get myself to. The trials I’m willing to go through just to be with you, could you imagine how willing I’d be just to make this work..so willingly. I know my happiness matters, that’s why I’m chasing after it, no matter what it takes.

For the slightest second “that sounds nice”, she thought they were together.. but there’s always a but.

You’re just the biggest douche aren’t you? One day you tell me you appreciate me and that you are sorry for under appreciating me. All i ever did was look out for you. Did things and said things that benefited you. No, I was not a perfect girlfriend. I had my faults too. But that doesn’t give you a right to get mad at me when, as your ‘best friend’, all I wanted was for you to think about things you did. Your work ethics aren’t that great. With what you told me you’re going to be busy next year. I understand challenging yourself but if you honestly want to make this rational decision and be completely ignorant about the fact that I was only looking out for you, well shit. Your life. Observing how you work and how busy you usually are, I’m not sure how you’re going to pull this off. I apologize for sounding unsupportive but get your shit together. 

Sincerely,

                  The only person that looks out for you now a days.

I didn’t think I’d use this again. I guess it just came to the point where I’m tired of holding everything in. It came to this. A fresh start you could say so.